Often when I sit down to write a post my page fills with ramblings of my precious little ones. When the time comes to hit publish I find myself hesitating, silently I hope that I am not hurting any hearts.
I once lived with infertility. However, it didn’t strike until I yearned for a second child. I am one of the lucky ones. I now have three healthy babies. This post is for the countless women I met throughout the years I spent sitting in fertility clinic waiting rooms. It is for the women who desperately want something they may never have. It is for the women who feel isolated and alienated for reasons they cannot control. It is for the women who live with a pain greater than I can imagine.
When I reflect on the years I spent battling infertility I remember the loneliness, the frustration, the sadness and desperation. I remember the countless appointments, injections, scans, and disappointments. I remember the mistakes, the things that went wrong, and the babies that I never got to hold. I remember the fear, the longing, and the overwhelming sense that nobody in my world could quite understand what I was going through. I remember the pregnant friends I didn’t want to see, the newborn babies I didn’t want to hold and how much I cursed myself for feeling this way. I remember the endless tears and the never ending whys. I remember attempting to console myself with the ‘it could be so much worse’ stories and not feeling any better. I remember thinking it was never going to end.
It did end. I stopped dreaming about my second baby every minute of the day as soon as I held him. Many years on I can barely believe he is mine, that the three of them are. I know not everyone’s story will end this way. Other women will endure years of anxiety, medications and heartbreak and then one day have to accept that their body will not carry a child. It is these women I think of every Mother’s day. It is these women I think of on my Son’s birthday. It is these women I think of in the moment before I hit publish on so many of my posts. It is these women who I hope find a place of contentment, of happiness. I hope they do not blame themselves. I hope they are surrounded with love and support. I hope their lives are rich and full of good health and laughter.
Chocolate Brownie Meets Caramel Fudge
the fudge
- 6 tablespoons cashew butter*
- 1 tablespoon honey**
- 3 tablespoons maple syrup
- 4 tablespoons coconut oil
- 1 tablespoon coconut cream***
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- pinch of salt
the brownie
- 1 cup walnuts
- 1 cup desiccated coconut
- 1/3 cup cacao or cocoa
- 12 medjool dates
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- pinch of salt
Line a 20cm square tin with baking paper overhanging the sides for easy removal.
Place the fudge ingredients into your processor and blend until the mixture is smooth and well combined. Spoon the mixture into a bowl and set aside.
Place the brownie ingredients into your processor and blend until the mixture resembles a fine, sticky crumb. Press the mixture firmly into the base of your prepared tin.
Spread the fudge mixture evenly over the top of the brownie and place the slice into the fridge to set.
Slice. Serve. Eat and enjoy!
*cashew butter / spread is readily available from the health section of supermarkets and from health food stores. Alternatively, it is quick and easy to make your own. Here is my recipe.
**you can use rice malt syrup if you prefer.
***I have made this with and without the coconut cream, if you do not have any don’t hesitate to leave it out.
Note – once sliced you can store and eat this directly from the fridge or freezer.
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