So much has happened over the past few weeks and it has changed me. Changed me subconsciously, on a level that is outside of my control.
The changes have not been bad, nor good. I am simply a different person than the one I was weeks ago, when my baby girl was still alive and well and kicking around inside me.
My life has a much slower pace than it has ever had before. I don’t jump out of bed at 5am and head out for a run as I had prior to my pregnancy and I certainly don’t accomplish as much in my days as I once did.
I still wake early but I stay in my bed. I read. I give thanks for the warmth in my family and my home. I rest. I think of my babies, all three of them, before rising to kiss two of their faces.
These days I sit around, I drink tea; I have long, mindless chats. I cuddle my kids and cuddle them again, and again and again. I watch movies with my husband and I lie on the couch and read.
Much of my time is spent in the kitchen. It is my room, my place, my therapy. I think about my Gran and the similarities we have and how much her embrace would comfort me right now. I think about my Great Gran and how I wish I had known her better. In every memory I have of her she is standing in her kitchen or delivering us something she just made. I suspect she would know how I feel when I am leaning over my stove, standing by my oven or chopping veggies at my sink.
I like this slower pace. Right now it seems to be exactly what I need. I feel I have spent a great deal of the past thirty something years buzzing and now the buzzing has stopped. Perhaps tomorrow my mind and body will decide to run again, but maybe it won’t. Maybe this person who breathes a little slower, thinks a little slower, acts a little slower is who I am now. Surprisingly, I am completely ok with that.
Quick and Easy Choc Apricot Bliss Balls
- 2 cups desiccated coconut
- 1 cup dried apricots
- 2 tablespoon honey
- 3 tablespoons cacao or cocoa
- 1/2 teaspoon concentrated natural vanilla extract
- pinch of salt