The moment my life changed.
I didn’t want to have that day procedure last week.
I didn’t believe I needed it.
The timing didn’t feel right.
There were so many reasons for my intuition screaming loud and clear to leave it be, to give it a miss.
But I didn’t listen.
I went against my instincts, I reluctantly checked myself into hospital. I followed the orders and I had it done.
I ended up with a punctured bowel.
I ended up in extreme pain, vomiting and diarrhoea that by midnight Thursday was so intense I had to leave the kids at home and get to emergency. They put me straight in. I still didn’t know what was wrong at this stage. I was sure I’d be home in a day or two.
I went to the ward Friday and had CT scans that showed the inflammation, infection and fluid. On Saturday I was so sick, my blood pressure among other things were very concerning, they called code and had me moved straight to ICU.
All Saturday we did bloods and spoke to numerous doctors until it was decided that there was no time to wait and I need to have my bowel partially removed and be fitted with a bag. It is major surgery.
I went to surgery. Parts of my bowel had died. I have a bag. I’m very sick and sore and weak but the care has been great and I just hope that each day gets easier.
My parents have flown back from their first ever far away holiday to Costa Rica to visit my brother as my mum couldn’t cope with being away through all of this.
They expect I’ll be in hospital for a few more days.
They expect to reverse the procedure in a few months.
They expect me to be extremely exhausted for the first 6 months and said to allow 12 months to get back to where I was at.
They expect that I may well have died if they didn’t act when they did.
I need to learn about using my bag and about ensuring I follow an adequate and bag friendly diet. That will come.
So that’s the story. I think.
Yes, I wished I listened to my instincts but I didn’t.
At the end of the day I’m alive and for that I’m grateful. I will go home. I will get better.
I have been blessed with exceptional caregivers that have helped me cope every single day. I will go home to exceptional caregivers who will help me cope with this change in my life’s direction.
But despite this, these early days are frightfully hard and aside from the pain, nausea and discomfort, I miss my babies and I miss the usual, I miss the everyday. I miss the goals I was kicking and the dreams I was focusing on. But in saying that I know this is temporary, that those goals and dreams don’t need to be forgotten.
My focus is now on recovery and part of that recovery is embracing the journey, the good and the bad of my life changing journey.
With love and gratitude,
Mum’s Favourite Chocolates
- 100 grams 85% dark chocolate, roughly broken
- 2 tablespoons almond butter
- 2 tablespoons honey*
- 1/4 cup dry roasted almonds
- Melt the chocolate. Add the remaining ingredients and mix until it is all well combined. Spoon the mixture into the holes of a silicon muffin mould and place it into the fridge to set.
- Eat and enjoy.
*you can use rice malt syrup if you prefer.
**dry roasted almonds are readily available from the supermarket.