Some days, like today, I wake early. Well before the sun has thought about rising. The sky is still black, the world is quiet.
On these mornings my mind cannot help but to fill with you.
I have come a long way since your birth. My internal voice has stopped begging to have you back; I have stopped wishing that this was all a bad dream. I have accepted that you are gone.
I am left with missing, with longing, with craving your little kicks inside my belly.
I want to be setting up your room, buying your high chair and complaining about the sleepless nights my enormous stomach and compromised bladder are causing.
In this hour, before I rise to start my day, the sadness is profound. It never leaves, but during what I now think of as our time, it can be intense.
As the weeks pass I’m also starting to realise that maybe there won’t be any more babies for me. While I’m so grateful for the beautiful children I have it is true that my heart and my hands long to nurse and Mother another. You were a miracle baby in our eyes and I am becoming increasingly aware that I may not be so blessed again.
While I laugh through my day, smile, chat with my friends, embrace my family and things move along somewhat similar, but certainly not the same as they always have, I am missing you my little one. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you.
Apple and Almond Loaf
- 2 apples (I used small to medium sized Pink Lady apples), cored and chopped into quarters
- 1/2 cup roasted almond butter
- pinch of salt
- 1/2 teaspoon concentrated natural vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 4 eggs
- 3 cups almond meal
- 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
- 1 teaspoon bicarb soda
- Preheat your oven to 175°C or 350°F
- Grease and line your loaf tin with baking paper hanging over the sides for easy removal. The base of my loaf tin measures 19.5cm x 9.5cm.
- Place the apples into your food processor and pulse until very finely chopped, alternatively you could grate the apples. Add the almond butter, vanilla, cinnamon and salt, pulse to combine. Add the eggs, pulse to combine. Add the almond meal and mix to combine. Add the vinegar and bicarb soda and gently mix through. Pour the batter into your prepared tin and bake for 50 minutes. You may need to cover the loaf with foil for the final five minutes if it is getting to brown on top. Allow to cool for 10 minutes in the tin before gently moving to a cooling rack. Cool for a further 15 – 30 minutes prior to cutting. Serve. Eat. Enjoy.